Jason-Michael and Fiske and The Producers Club II Theatre
Songs (courtesy of Brad Bond)
Press on the song to hear them
HERE AM I
In this number, Melibea is in her moonlit garden waiting for Calisto to arrive. This demo features the new orchestration accompaniment. The singer is a wonderful local girl: Karissa Self. The orchestration is by Keith Wells
Here I am. / The night flows through my hair. / And the stars fill my mind with a thousand dreams / Their fiery beams inspire. / Ageless moon, pulling at the sea / Like the tide inside me longs to be set free / And carry me to his side. / / Here am I, / As i have been here oh, so many times before tonight. / But, tonight / The stars are brighter and my heart is lighter / Waiting for the sight / Of him who'll be my love tonight. / Here am I. / Distant wind, whisp'ring in my ear / Tells a tale of secret places. / Share with me / Mysteries of desire. / Virgin rose, waiting to unfold / Drops of dew, the tears of morning. / Please don't cry, / For soon the sky / You'll behold. / / Here am I / As i have been here, oh so many times before tonight. / But, tonight the stars are brighter, / And my heart is lighter / Waiting for the sight / Of him who'll be my love tonight. / Here am I, here am i, here am I!
In order to win him over to her side, Celestina throws Parmeno into bed with Areusa, and then wants to watch them make love. As they are reluctant, she sings the following number with the help of her minions, the Celestina Boys, who appear from under the bed. The singer is Barbara Blomberg. (Terrific New York character actress) The Celestina boys are Matt Dallmann, Ryan Vaughan, Michael Hurd, and Jerry Snee
In my many many many many years of life / I've had many many many many lovers. / And in those / Many many many many years of life / I've had lots and lots of fun under the covers / I guess you could say / My bedpost / Has racked up a notch or two / But in all those many years / I never have denied / A trusted elder / The chance to watch— / Why don't you? / Let a sr. Citizen watch! / Go ahead and grab him by his crotch. / Don't be afraid / That you're gonna botch it. / (I'm here to give you pointers.) / Let a sr. Citizen spy! / Why don't ya tickle her / Inner thigh? / Never mind me, / I'll only look with one eye.
This recording is from the last staged reading in 2014--so you can hear some audience reaction. The song is based on the famous "puta vieja" scene where Parmeno warns Calisto about Celestina. The performers are Logan Mitchell as Parmeno, and Joseph Cannon as Calisto. The Accompanist is Joe Bousard.
PARMENO / Calisto, I am begging you! Do not get involved with this… Celestina. / CALISTO / But why, Parmeno, why? / (music cue) / PARMENO / She's an old slut. / CALISTO / What?! / PARMENO / She's an old slut! / CALISTO / Parmeno! / PARMENO / She's an old slut old slut old slut old slut! / CALISTO / Stop it! Why do you keep saying that? /PARMENO / It’s the only way to describe her. / PARMENO / She's walkin' down the street, / A hundred women all about, / Somebody she meets / Is liable to shout, / "there's the old slut old slut old slut old slut!" / CALISTO / That is no way to talk. / PARMENO / Oh, no, she's proud of it. / She just turns, smiles, and says, "hi!" / That's the name she goes by. / 'Cause she's just an old slut. / She's an old slut. / She's an old slut old slut old slut old slut! / CALISTO / She can’t be all that bad. / PARMENO / Oh, yes she is! I've known her for years. / She'd do anything for a dollar or two; / She held seances, she read tea leaves and tarot. / She washed clothes and sewed, / But what she really would do / Was to get folks to stray from the straight and the narrow. / She had all sorts of ladies she employed; / There were girls to help out / With the laundry and sewing, / But, domestic work wasn't what they enjoyed-- / It was off to the bedrooms they really were going. / It was a house of ill repute-- / Those girls were prostitutes! / CALISTO / So? / PARMENO / So, she's an old slut / Just an old slut / She's an old slut old slut old slut old slut! / CALISTO / How do you know all this? / PARMENO / My mother and I lived with her. / PARMENO / She used to live in this scary old place. / It was like a museum of the weird and demented. / She had stuff in there prob'ly from outer space. / I know, because one of her rooms we rented. / She had all kinds of really nasty things, / Like potions in tiny little bottles, / And as she mixes them she sings / As all 'round the pentagram she waddles. / And then she'd (i'm on the level) / She tried to conjure the devil. / She thinks she's a witch. / but she's just an old slut. / yep! she's an old slut. / she's an old slut old slut old slut old slut. / CALISTO / She’s not a witch. / PARMENO / Oh, yes she is! / She had potions, lotions, pungent unguents / bath beads, rag weeds, / eye of newt, poisoned fruit, / voo doo dolls, poodle balls, / donkey brains, and badger feet… / (Music stops) / CALISTO / Stop it! It’s too late. Sempronio has gone to pick her up. They’ll be here any minute. So pull yourself together. And be nice to her. / PARMENO / May I just say one more thing? / CALISTO / Be brief. / (music resumes) / PARMENO / I know this sounds redundant / and you think i'm in a rut, / But she’s an old… / CALISTO / Parmeno… / PARMENO / Old… / CALISTO / You are warned! / PARMENO / Old… / CALISTO / Oh, for God’s sake, say it. / PARMENO / You know what!
After Parmeno and Sempronio are killed, Elicia and Areusa deal with the loss of their lovers in the song "Life Goes On."This demo features Mary Anne McKerrow as Elicia
AREUSA / Oh, honey, don’t cry. Things will get better. Life goes on. / (music cue) / ELICIA / Yes, it does. It certainly does. / Life goes on / Even after the person that you've been / Living for is gone. / Ev'ry time the phone rings, i think it might be him. / And then, i just / Let it ring. I can answer by machine. / My voice sounds just fine-- / Can't you hear me on the line? / "this is me, but i'm not home. / But if you'll leave your name / I will try to respond to you. / I'll be in touch when i get home." / When you're gone, / Aint it funny how quickly the world just / Shrugs once--and then moves on? / Maybe i'm naive, / But it seems to me the shifting sands of time / Ought to show at least the smallest little trace / Of what has gone before. / And yet it seems all sign of him has been erased. / I'll move on, / Just as soon as that ghost in the window / Shimmers and is gone. / When i pull the shade back / I almost see his face in space. / But i blink my eyes-- / And it's always a surprise, / He was close enough to touch. / God, i miss that face so much. / This is me but i'm not home. / And if you'll leave your name, then i will / Try to respond to you. / I'll be in touch / When i get home. / If i get home.
This song happens in the scene where Areusa engages Centurio to take revenge on Calisto. Centurio is sung here by my good friend Kim Carrell. Elicia is Mary Anne Mckerrow, and Areusa is Julie Rowe
AREUSA / Do you think you're up to the job? / / (music cue) / CENTURIO / / i'm a black belt (wah!) / I was on a suicide squad in 'nam. / i'm a killer. (and i've killed a lot.) / i can even make a home-made pipe bomb. / / damn, i mean dang, / shit, i mean poop, / i'll wring his neck like a chicken / and burn down his coop / i would do anything for you, areusa, / without even askin' "why?" / just tell me one little thing, pretty mama-- / how ya want him to die? / ELICIA / Well, we don't want him "killed" exactly. / AREUSA / Let's let Centurio do what he thinks is best. / CENTURIO / I got weapons (i mean, a whole collection) / of ev'ry shape and size / i got devices (batteries not included) / that'll really dazzle your eyes! / damn, i mean dang! / hell, i mean heck! / i'll rip off his head and crap down his neck. / i would do anything for you, areusa, / you know i'm that kinda guy. / just gimme one little bitty piece of information-- / how ya want him to die? / i got nunchucks, throwin' stars, samurai sword, / hang him up by his neck with a bungee cord, / or i could run the sum'bitch over / with my sixty-seven ford! / how ya want him to... / Or, I could kill him with my bare hands! / I could crush his solar plexus / or rip out his jug'lar vein. / i could snap his neck real sudden, / but that wouldn't cause much pain, / or i could take my fist and bash his nose / right up into his brain! (i'm gonna eat his lunch.) / i would do anything for you, areusa, / in the 'lectric chair i'd fry. / i'm your own pers'nal private homicidal maniac. / how you want him to die? / AREUSA / I'll leave the details up to you. Just be at Melibea's house on the old beach road at twelve o'clock midnight. That's when Calisto will be arriving with his two men. / CENTURIO / Two men? You mean, he's gonna have two other guys with him? / / AREUSA / That's what I said. / CENTURIO / / I’m kinda busy. (woh, look at the time!) / i think i better be hittin' the road. / to take on three guys / (i'm used to fightin' whole gangs) / would sorta be against my code. / damn, I mean dang! / shit, i mean shoot! / you can get someone else 'cause you're real real cute. / i would do anything for you, areusa... / / AREUSA / well, i hope that's not a lie. / but, if you don't think you're man enough to do it... / Centurio / How you
want him to d - y - e, die?
NO MORE WORDS
This lullaby is initially sung by Pleberio to Melibea and Lucrecia as he is putting them to bed. The song is sung again as a reprise by Melibea as she stands precariously on the wall of the garden. She warns her father to remain still and not say a word or she will jump. She confesses to him, apologizing for disappointing him, and sings their special lullaby as her good-bye to her father. And then jumps to her death. In these two recordings, Pleberio is sung by Bob Heitman, and Melibea is Marta Burton.
No more words, / And no more crying. / Lay your weary heart to rest. / When you wake the sun'll be shining, / And your fears will all be past. / So do not cling / To all your worries. / Oh, let them fly / Away from view. / If you fall asleep / While you are smiling, / Then your dreams / Will all come true.
THE CELESTINA SHOW
NUN (LUC): WHO'S THAT GAL WITH THE GIGANTIC BAG?HUNCHBACK (PAR): WHO'S THAT GAL WHO IS ONE SEXY HAG?FLOWERGIRL (MEL): SHE NEVER GOES TO A PARTY STAG! / IT'S— ALL CELESTINA!
PRIEST (PLEB): Cele-who?!
LADY 1 (ARE): SHE'S A GAL WHO KNOWS ALL ABOUT LOVE.
LADY 2 (ELI): SHE'S A GAL WHO WAS SENT FROM ABOVE.
LADY 1 & 2: LOVE AND SEX ALWAYS GO HAND IN GLOVE, / JUST ASK…
PRIEST (PLEB): SHE'LL SELL YOU A BILL OF GOODS / THAT REALLY WILL CHANGE YOUR LIFE.
BUTCHER (CAL): PROVIDE YOU A GREAT BIG SWORD / WHEN ALL YOU NEED IS A KNIFE.
HUNCHBACK & BUTCHER: BEFORE YOU CAN TURN AROUND / SHE'LL UP AND FIND YOU A WIFE! / SHE'S …
ALL: CELE- CELE-CELE-CELE-CELE...STINA!
CEL: Come and get it! GET YOUR VACUUM HERE / SUCK THAT DIRT AWAY. / GET YOUR REAR IN GEAR. / TRY SOME EAU'D TOILAY. / I GOT THE STUFF / IF YOU'VE GOT THE MONEY. / RIGHT OFF THE CUFF / IT MIGHT SOUND FUNNY. / CAN'T EMPHASIZE ENOUGH / HOW VITAL IT IS HONEY / TO GET IT / WHILE YOU'RE HOT! / ACUPUNCTURE. / MASSAGE THERAPY. / I GOT A HUNCH THAT YOU / COULD TAKE CARE OF ME. / I GOT THE TOUCH / IF YOU'VE GOT A DOLLAR. / LOSE THAT CRUTCH / IT'LL MAKE YOU LOOK TALLER. / WHEN YOU NEED IT / SO MUCH / JUST GIVE ME A HOLLER, / BUT GET IT / WHILE YOU'RE HOT!
CEL BOYS: VACUUM! / SUCK IT SUCK IT / SUCK IT SUCK IT! / GET IT IN GEAR. / EAU D' EAU D' / EAU D' TOILAY / YOU'VE GOT THE MONEY. / IT MIGHT SOUND FUNNY. / OH, HONEY, / GET IT GET IT GET IT GET IT! / HOT! HOT! / OOOH / AAAH / YOU YOU YOU / CARE OF ME, AH AH AH AH / TOUCH / A DOLLAR / LOSE THAT CRUTCH! / TALLER / YOU NEED IT! / YOO HOO! / GET IT GET IT GET IT GET IT / HOT HOT! / NOW THAT WE’RE HOT / SHOW US WHAT YOU’VE GOT!
CEL: SOAP ON A ROPE? / STEEL SIDING? / HERE'S A NICE / FLY SWATTER / WATER PURIFIER? / SQUEEGEE? / OIJA? / HAT? / CAT? MEOW!
LADY 1: I CAN'T SAY NOPE.
PRIEST: THAT SOUNDS INVITING.
NUN: NOW WE'RE GETTIN' / EVEN HOTTER!
BUTCHER: NOW THE STAKES / ARE GETTIN' HIGHER!
LADY 2: WOW!
CEL BOY 4: MEOW!
CEL BOY 1: MEOW!
CEL BOY 2: MEOW!
CEL BOY 3: MEOW!
ALL: GET IT GET IT GET IT / GET IT GET IT! / WHILE YOU’RE HOT.
YA GOTTA GET UP, GET BUSY, / AND GET RIGHT BACK INTO LIFE! / DON'T THROW A CONNIPTION, / DON'T HAVE A TIZZY. / YOU'VE GOTTA STOP TURNIN' THE KNIFE. / YOU GOTTA GET UP, BRUSH OFF, / TAKE HOLD OF THE REINS, / AND GET RIGHT BACK ON THE HORSE. / THAT BASTARD DID THE LEAVIN', / SO STOP BEREAVIN', / AND START BELIEVIN' / IN WHAT YOU'RE ACHIEVIN', / AND GET RIGHT BACK INTO LIFE.
ELI: But he's dead.
ARE: Yes, he is. But you're still alive! Just imagine if it were the other way around. YOU KNOW THAT IF / THE SHOE WERE ON THE OTHER FOOT, / AND YOU HAD DIED INSTEAD OF HIM, / THOUGH YOUR GRAVE WAS STILL FRESH / AND YOUR BODY WAS BARELY COLD, / HE'D BE OUT SCREWIN' SOME OTHER BIMBO. / WHEN A MAN IS GONE / LIFE DOES GO ON / AND THERE'S ONLY ONE THING TO DO-- / YA GOTTA GET UP, GET BUSY, / AND GET RIGHT BACK INTO YOU! (music continues under dialogue).
ELI: You know what? You're probably right.
ARE: Of course I’m right.
ELI: Here I am, crying my eyes out, when he was the idiot that went out and got himself killed.
ARE: Now you're talkin'!
ELI: I GOTTA GET UP, GET BUSY / AND GET RIGHT BACK INTO LIFE! / I MAY BE A BIMBO, / I MIGHT BE DIZZY, / BUT IT'S NOT LIKE I WAS HIS WIFE. / I GOTTA WAKE UP, STAND UP, / TAKE CHARGE OF MY LIFE, / AND GET RIGHT BACK ON COURSE. / I'M HEARIN' WHAT YOU'RE SAYIN', / THERE'S NO DELAYIN', / AND NOW I'M PRAYIN' / THAT IT'S NOT BETRAYIN'... / I GOTTA GET / I BETTER GET / I BETTER GET RIGHT BACK / INTO LIFE! / (spoken together) GET BACK!
ARE: (spoken) OH, YEAH! / NO WAY! / UH HUH? (sung) / YA GOTTA GET / YOU BETTER GET / YOU BETTER GET RIGHT BACK / INTO LIFE! (spoken together) GET BACK!
PAR: I ALWAYS THOUGHT / THAT THE THINGS I WAS TAUGHT / WERE THE WAY LIFE IS FOR REAL. / PEOPLE SHOULD ACT / BASED ON THINGS THAT ARE FACT / NOT ON THINGS THEY ONLY FEEL. / EVERYONE KNOWS / YOU SHOULD STAND BY YOUR FRIENDS, / BUT WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO / WHEN YOUR VERY BEST FRIEND / WHO YOU LOVE TO THE END / WON'T STAND BY YOU? / MAYBE I AM PARANOID / BUT, BUDDY, YOU'RE NOT SIGMUND FREUD, / AND NO, I CAN'T EXPLAIN JUST WHAT I FEAR. / BUT, IF I CAN SURVIVE THE SHAME / I GUESS I'LL HAVE TO PLAY THE GAME / OF TELLING YOU JUST WHAT YOU WANT TO HEAR. / I'LL PLAY. / IF YOU WANT TO CHOP YOUR RIGHT HAND OFF / THEN I'LL SAY, / "WHAT A GOOD IDEA!" I COULDN'T STOP YOU ANYWAY. / IF YOU WANT TO WRECK YOUR CAR / OR TAKE A BATH IN BURNING TAR, / I WILL USE THE FLAME TO LIGHT UP MY CIGAR. / 'CAUSE IF YOU DON'T WANT AN HONEST ALLY / MAYBE I SHOULD LEAVE, OR SHALL I / STAY RIGHT HERE BUT JOIN THE OTHER SIDE? / YOU'RE THE MAN! / YOU MAKE THE RULES! / BUT WHAT YOU DON'T REALIZE / IS SHE'S THE CAPTAIN ON THIS SHIP OF FOOLS. / BUT, I'LL PLAY. / IF THAT'S THE GAME, OL' BUDDY, / HAVE IT YOUR WAY. / I WILL STAND HERE SMILING "YESSING" / UNTIL DOOMSDAY. / WHEN THAT EARTHQUAKE COMES TO TOWN, / AND YOUR WORLD COMES CRASHING DOWN, / WHEN YOU'RE WONDERING WHERE WAS YOUR WARNING? / THINK BACK TO THIS FATEFUL MORNING / WHEN YOU PUSHED YOUR FRIEND AWAY / WHEN THAT FRIEND HAD TRIED TO SAY / THAT THIS PATH YOU'RE ON IS LEADING YOU ASTRAY. / I KNOW JUST WHAT YOU'LL DO, / YOU'LL SAY NO ONE EVER TOLD YOU. / I TRIED TO / I TRIED TO / I TRIED!
WOMEN ARE WICKED
PLEASE DON'T TRY TO TELL ME ABOUT HELEN OF TROY / OR THE STRANGE MYSTIQUE OF MARILYN MONROE. / IDOLIZING WOMEN IS SO DANGEROUS, MY BOY. / IT'S UNSETTLING JUST HOW FAR A MAN WILL GO. / I KNOW THAT YOU THINK HER SHIT DOESN’T STINK-- / THIS PERFECT GODDESS YOU PICKED.
CAL: (spoken) Sempronio…
SEM: (interrupting) BUT THIS IS MY THEME--THEY'RE NOT WHAT THEY SEEM (begin tap number) / SO DON'T BE TRICKED! / I'M TELLIN' YOU, / WOMEN ARE WICKED, SO YOU BEST BEWARE / OR YOU'LL WIND UP IN INTENSIVE CARE / WITH A GREAT BIG BLOODY HOLE IN YOUR CHEST / JUST LYIN' ON SOME CART / WITH A BUNCH OF DOCTORS POKIN' AROUND / LOOKIN' FOR YOUR HEART! / WOMEN ARE WICKED, TAKE IT FROM ME, / SO FLEE…
CAL: Sempronio… SEM: FLEE!
CAL: Come back here.
SEM: FLEE! (Sempronio performs tap solo over dialogue).
CAL: What makes you such an expert on women?
SEM: Firsthand experience, my friend--firsthand experience. "BAD HAIR DAY" MEANS SHE ALWAYS WINS. / YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE / GENTLE AND KIND, UNDERSTANDING, FORGIVING / OF ALL OF HER SINS. / AND WHEN HER HAIR MAKES YOU LATE, / AND YOU SAY, "HEY, BABE, IT LOOKS GREAT!" / DOES SHE THANK YOU? HA! / NO, SHE CALLS YOU A LIAR! / AND YOUR PANTS ARE ON FIRE! / IF YOU SAY SHE LOOKS FINE, / SHE'S BOUND TO MISTRUST / IF YOU SAY SHE LOOKS BAD, / YOUR EV'NING'S A BUST / SO YOU'RE DOWN TO THE LINE, / AND YOU KNOW THAT YOU JUST / CAN'T WIN. / 'CAUSE IT'S A BAD, BAD HAIR DAY (Sempronio performs another tap solo over dialogue).
CAL: What about Elicia? You’ve been faithful to her for years.
SEM: Do as I say, not as I do. WOMEN ARE WICKED WHEN THEY’RE ON THE RAG / THEN YOUR HONEY TURNS INTO A HAG. / ALL OF A SUDDEN SHE'S EMOTIONAL, IRRATIONAL, / HER HORMONES HAVE GONE AWRY. / BUT, IF YOU POINT THAT OUT, SHE'LL SCREAM AND SHOUT / AND THEN SHE'LL START TO CRY, I'M TELLIN' YOU, / WOMEN ARE WICKED, / THEY'RE JUST LIKE A SHARP STICK IN THE EYE / SO FLY…
CAL: Okay, I get your point, but…
CAL: That’s about enough…
SEM: FLY! / OH, LISTEN TO ME, BROTHER, LET ME GIVE YOU SOME ADVICE! / NEVER DATE A WOMAN MORE THAN ONCE--OR TWICE. / IT'S BETTER JUST TO PET HER TILL YOU GET HER IN THE SACK! / AND NEVER…
CAL: I know where this is heading…
SEM: NEVER....NEVER...... CALL HER BACK!
Act I, Scene 7
(Celestina's drawing room. Reveal the two young couples, Parmeno and Areusa, and Sempronio and Elicia, sitting at the dinner table on either side of Celestina. They have just completed a big meal).
CEL: Oh, how I love wine! Three glasses a day--never a drop more. Unless it's a special occasion, like tonight.
PAR: I was reading where it's healthy for the average person to have one drink per day.
CEL: Well, I value my health three times as much as the average person!
(EAT, DRINK AND BE MERRY, musical number)
EAT DRINK AND BE MERRY, FOR TOMORROW WE DIE. / SO, RAISE A GLASS, HERE'S MUD IN YOUR EYE. / STOP THINKIN' THAT THE GRASS IS GREENER / UNDER SOMEONE ELSE'S RUNNING SHOES. / NOBODY WANTS TO PARTY WITH SOMEBODY BENT ON / MOANIN' THE BLUES. / EAT DRINK AND BE MERRY, / LET US DO JUST WHAT THE GOOD LORD SAID. / WE BETTER HAVE SOME FUN TODAY, / 'CAUSE TOMORROW WE MIGHT BE DEAD! (takes a drink of wine).Ahhh! That’s good medicine! /EV'RYTHING IN MODERATION— / THOSE ARE THE WORDS THAT I LIVE BY. / IT AINT THE SMOKIN' AND THE DRINKIN' AND THE DRUGS / THAT'LL KILL YA-- / IT'S THE NAIL-BITING HAIR-PULLING WORRYING WONDERING / JUST WHAT MIGHT BE WRONG INSIDE. / KICK BACK AND RELAX--LIVE A LITTLE-- / YES, THAT'S THE KEY / TO GROW TO BE ALMOST AS OLD AND AS WISE / AND AS HAPPY AS LITTLE OLD ME! (music continues under). By the way, how is Calisto getting along?
SEM: All he can think about is--Melibea.
PAR: And we keep eggin' him on. Don't worry, we're keeping our part of the bargain.
SEM: He's a lovesick mess (Calisto appears in an isolated circle of light to one side of the stage).
(I LOVE HER, musical number, reprise)
CAL: I LOVE HER, AND THAT'S ALL THERE IS TO KNOW. / I NEED HER, ALTHOUGH I CAN'T TELL HER SO. / IT MAY BE OLD FASHIONED-- / THIS DASHING YOUNG MAN FILLED WITH PASSION. / I'LL FLY TO HER SIDE AND THEN BASK IN / THOSE ARMS THAT I NEED-- / I NEED HER LOVE. / I NEED HER UNTIL THE DAY I DIE! (music continues. Calisto’s light dims, but he remains on stage out of focus to the side. The dinner scene continues).
SEM: Yep, the poor idiot has completely lost his head over Melibea. But who can blame him? She is beautiful.
ELI: What do you mean, she's prettier than me?!
SEM: That's not what I said...
(MELIBEA, HONEY, EAT DRINK AND BE MERRY, musical number)
ELI: MELIBEA MELIBEA / SHE'S SUCH A PERFECT CREATURE!
ELI, ARE: MELIBEA MELIBEA! / WE LOVE HER / EV'RY FEATURE! / SO MUCH MORE / LOVELY THAN ME-- / A PARAGON I'LL NEVER BE.
ELI: WHAT CLASS!
ARE: WHAT GRACE!
ELI: HER ASS!
ARE: HER FACE!
ELI, ARE: WOO!
ELI, ARE: MELIBEA MELIBEA! SHE BETTER / WATCH HER SHIT, / 'CAUSE IF I CATCH THAT BITCH ALONE, / SOMEBODY IS / GONNA GET HIT!
SEM: (sung overlapping with Sempronio) I didn't say she was prettier than you, but admit it--she is beautiful.
ELI, ARE: MELIBEA MELIBEA! / SHE'S SUCH A / PERFECT CREATURE! / MELIBEA MELIBEA! / HE-WE LOVE(S) HER / EV'RY FEATURE! / SO MUCH MORE / LOVELY THAN ME / A PARAGON I'LL NEVER BE. / WHAT CLASS! / WHAT GRACE! / HER ASS! / HER FACE! / WOO! / MELIBEA MELIBEA / SHE BETTER / WATCH HER SHIT, / 'CAUSE IF I CATCH THAT / BITCH ALONE, / SOMEBODY IS / GONNA GET HIT!
SEM: HONEY, / I NEVER SAID SHE WAS A PERFECT CREATURE. / SWEETY, BABY, / YOU KNOW I LOVE YOUR / EV'RY FEATURE. / HONEY, YOU KNOW NOBODY / HOLDS A CANDLE TO YOU. / NOW, POOPY / DON'T DO THIS. / I MEAN IT. / THAT'S ENOUGH NOW! / HONEY, YOU'VE GOT TO / LEARN TO COOL THIS / JEALOUS SHIT, / ‘CAUSE IF THIS GOES ON / ONE SECOND MORE / I SWEAR TO GOD / I'M GONNA SPLIT!
ARE: (to Parmeno) What do you think of Melibea?
PAR: (a moment, then--) EAT, DRINK AND BE MERRY / FOR TOMORROW WE DIE (Celestina, joins in, trying to lighten the mood).
CEL: THOSE ARE THE WORDS THAT / I LIVE BY!
PAR: (sung overlapping with Celestina) STOP THINKIN' THAT THE GRASS IS GREENER / UNDER SOMEONE ELSE'S RUNNING SHOES. / NOBODY WANTS TO / PARTY WITH / SOMEBODY BENT ON MOANIN' THE BLUES! / EAT DRINK AND BE MERRY, / LET US DO JUST WHAT THE GOOD LORD SAID. / WE BETTER HAVE SOME FUN TODAY, / 'CAUSE TOMORROW WE MIGHT BE DEAD!
CEL: IT AIN'T THE / SMOKIN’ AND THE DRINKIN’ / AND THE DRUGS / THAT'LL KILL YA-- / IT'S THE NAIL-BITING / HAIR-PULLING / WORRYING WONDERING / JUST WHAT MIGHT BE / WRONG INSIDE / KICK BACK AND RELAX / (LIVE A LITTLE) / YES, THAT'S THE KEY / TO GROW TO BE ALMOST AS / OLD AND AS WISE / AND AS HAPPY AS / LITTLE OLD ME! (full stop, music out).
CEL: There! That's settled (a pause as they settle down). Besides, you can't help it if Melibea is prettier than you.
SEM: Oh, God...
(Music cue, the following 3 groups sing concurrently-- It’s a musical melee)
CEL, PARM: EAT DRINK / AND BE MERRY FOR TOMORROW WE DIE SO, RAISE A GLASS, / HERE'S MUD / IN YOUR EYE. / STOP THINKIN' THAT THE GRASS IS GREENER UNDER SOMEONE ELSE'S / RUNNING SHOES. / NOBODY WANTS TO PARTY WITH SOMEBODY BENT ON / MOANIN' THE BLUES. / EAT DRINK / AND BE MERRY-- / LET US DO JUST WHAT THE / GOOD LORD SAID. / WE BETTER HAVE SOME FUN TODAY, / 'CAUSE TOMORROW / WE MIGHT BE…
ELI, ARE: MELIBEA MELIBEA! / SHE'S SUCH A / PERFECT CREATURE / MELIBEA MELIBEA / HE LOVES HER / EV'RY FEATURE! / SO MUCH MORE / LOVELY THAN ME-- / A PARAGON / I'LL NEVER BE. / WHAT STYLE! / WHAT GRACE! / HER ASS! / HER FACE! / WOOO! / MELIBEA / MELIBEA! / SHE BETTER / WATCH HER SHIT, 'CAUSE / IF I CATCH THAT BITCH ALONE, / SOMEBODY IS / GONNA GET…
SEM: HONEY, I NEVER / SAID SHE WAS A / PERFECT CREATURE. / SWEETIE, BABY, YOU KNOW I LOVE YOUR / EV'RY FEATURE. / HONEY, / YOU KNOW / NOBODY HOLDS A / CANDLE TO YOU. / NOW, POOPY, / DON'T DO THIS. / I MEAN IT, / THAT'S ENOUGH NOW! / HONEY, / YOU'VE GOT TO / LEARN TO COOL / THIS JEALOUS SHIT, / 'CAUSE / IF THIS GOES ON / ONE SECOND MORE, / I SWEAR TO GOD / I'M GONNA…
(Celestina’s telephone rings, interrupting the argument. Music continues under).
CEL: (hugely relieved for the interruption of the quarrel). I'll get it!
(Celestina answers the phone. Melibea and Lucrecia appear in a pool of light on the opposite side of the stage from Calisto’s area. Lucrecia is on the phone. Melibea is distraught).
LUC: Celestina, it's Lucrecia. Melibea is sick. I don't know what to do.
CEL: What's the matter?
LUC: (to Melibea). What's the matter?
(PAIN, musical number)
MEL: I'M IN PAIN!
LUC: SHE'S IN PAIN!
MEL: A THOUSAND TINY SERPENTS / STRIKING MY HEART.
LUC: SHE'S GOT SOME SNAKES.
MEL: I CAN'T EXPLAIN
LUC: SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
MEL: THE REASON WHY THIS / MADNESS SET IN
LUC: SHE'S CRAZY.
MEL: AND MY WORLD FELL APART.
LUC: HER LIFE SUCKS!
MEL: IN MY BRAIN
LUC: IN HER BRAIN--
MEL: MY THOUGHTS ARE SPINNING
MEL: AND MY BREAST IS AFLAME.
LUC: HER BOOBS ARE ON FIRE! 
MEL: AND IF I CANNOT BREAK FREE / I KNOW I'LL NEVER BE / THE SAME.
LUC: SHE CAN'T BREAK FREE. / SHE'LL NEVER BE / THE SAME.
CEL: WHAT ARE YOUR SYMPTOMS, DEAR?
LUC: WHAT ARE YOUR / SYMPTOMS, DEAR?
MEL: I CAN'T EAT.
LUC: SHE CAN'T EAT.
CEL: SHE CAN'T EAT--HMM. / ANYTHING ELSE THAT'S QUEER?
LUC: ARE YOU GAY?! 
MEL: I CAN'T SLEEP.
LUC: SHE CAN'T SLEEP.
CEL: SHE CAN'T SLEEP--HUH!
MEL: THIS AGONY FIERCELY / IMPINGING THAT'S / PIERCING ME / SINGEING ME /
LUC: AGONY AGONY / AGONY AGONY /
MEL: I CANNOT ENDURE.
LUC: SHE CAN'T ENDURE.
MEL: AND I'M TERRIFIED / THAT I
LUC: SHE'S SCARED
MEL: WILL NOT
LUC: SHE WON'T / SURVIVE
MEL: SURVIVE IF I DON'T / FIND THE CURE
LUC: WHERE IS THAT CURE? /
MEL: BEFORE I DIE-----
LUC: BEFORE SHE DIES-----
CEL: Put Melibea on the phone (Melibea takes the phone from Lucrecia). I know what your problem is.
MEL: What is it?
CEL: This is very serious.
MEL: What is it?!
CEL: It's love!
MEL: This isn't love!
CEL: (overlapping with Celestina) YOU LOVE HIM / AND THAT'S ALL THERE IS / TO KNOW. / YOU NEED HIM, / AND NOW YOU MUST TELL HIM SO. / YOUR FOOLISH BRAIN WON'T / ADMIT WHAT YOUR / HEART KNOWS. / YOUR BREAST IS AFLAME WITH LOVE. / YOU CAN'T BREAK FREE, / BECAUSE THIS IS TRUE LOVE! / YOU'LL NEVER BE THE SAME, BECAUSE THIS IS TRUE LOVE! / I SAY THIS IS TRUE LOVE! / THIS IS LOVE! / THIS IS LOVE, I SAY IT'S / LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE.
MEL: I'M IN PAIN! / A THOUSAND TINY SERPENTS / STRIKING MY HEART. / I CAN'T EXPLAIN / THE REASON WHY THIS MADNESS SET IN, / AND MY WORLD FELL APART. / IN MY BRAIN / MY THOUGHTS ARE SPINNING / AND MY BREAST IS AFLAME. / AND IF I CANNOT BREAK FREE / I KNOW I'LL NEVER BE... / AND IF I CANNOT BREAK FREE / I KNOW I'LL NEVER BE… / IT'S NOT LOVE, IT'S PAIN! / THIS IS PAIN! / THIS IS PAIN! / THIS PAIN, I SAY IT'S / PAIN PAIN PAIN PAIN PAIN.
MEL: (Melibea has a huge epiphany! Perhaps Celestina reaches across into Melibea’s “bubble of light” and slaps her?) All right! It's true!
All right! It's true!
MEL: (overlapping with Celestina)I LOVE HIM, / AND THAT'S ALL THERE IS / TO KNOW. / I NEED HIM / AND NOW I MUST TELL HIM SO! / IT MAY BE OLD FASHIONED— / THIS FOOLISH YOUNG GIRL / FILLED WITH PASSION. / I'LL FLY TO HIS SIDE / AND THEN BASK IN / THOSE ARMS THAT I NEED— / I NEED HIS LOVE! / I NEED HIM / UNTIL THE DAY I DIE!!!
CEL: I KNOW, I KNEW IT / ALL THE TIME. / OF COURSE YOU DO, MY DEAR. / TELL HIM, TELL HIM SO! / OH IT IS, BUT IT'S / WONDERFUL MAGICAL / PASSION. / YES, FLY TO HIS SIDE! / OH, YES, MY DOVE, / YOU NEED HIS LOVE! / YOU NEED HIM. / AMEN!
CEL: Can ya hang on, sweetie? I got another call comin' through
(Music continues under. Calisto appears again in his pool of light opposite from Melibea’s pool. He is on the phone as well. The Celestina Boys appear and go to a formation upstage behind the dinner guest couples).
CEL: (to the dinner guests at table center stage) It's Calisto!
PAR, SEM: HE LOVES HER!
CEL: (into the phone to Calisto) You'll never guess who's on the other line!
ARE, ELI: MELIBEA MELIBEA!
CAL: How is she?
CEL: Well, she's fine now that she knows.
CAL: Now that she knows what?
CEL: That she loves you.
CAL: She loves me?!
SEM, PAR, ELI, ARE: SHE LOVES HIM!
CEL: Hang on (she pushes a button on the phone to switch to Melibea). Listen, Mel, I got Cal on the other line.
MEL: Calisto? Can I talk to him?
CEL: I don't have conference capabilities. Why don't you meet him?
MEL: Ask him if he can come over tonight at midnight.
CEL: Hang on, Mel (switching lines to Calisto). She wants to meet. How's tonight at midnight? Her place.
CAL: I'll be there!
CEL: (switches to Melibea) He'll be there.
MEL: Thank you!
CEL: Don't mention it. Listen, Mel, cheer up, huh? EAT DRINK AND BE MERRY!
SEM, PAR, ELI, ARE: EAT DRINK, EAT DRINK!
(Melibea hangs up. But her area remains lit).
CEL: (switches to Calisto) Cal, baby, it's a date!
CAL: Thank you!
CEL: Aint doin' nothin' but my job!
CEL BOYS: SHE'LL FIND YOU A DATE THAT'S REALLY GREAT!
CEL: Oh, and Calisto, honey, do me favor.
CAL: Name it!
CEL: Lighten up!
CEL: EAT DRINK AND BE MERRY
CEL BOYS: EAT DRINK, EAT DRINK (etc. Continues under dialogue, and through end of Act 1).
CEL: (whe hangs up. To the dinner guests) It's all set. Tonight at midnight (the dinner guests cheer). Here we go!
(Lights go to full. Each group of characters sings together, but in their own respective worlds).
CEL, LUC, PAR, SEM: EAT DRINK AND BE MERRY FOR TOMORROW WE DIE / SO, RAISE A GLASS / HERE'S MUD IN / YOUR EYE! / STOP / THINKIN' THAT THE / GRASS IS GREENER UNDER SOMEONE ELSE'SRUNNING SHOES / NOBODY WANTS TO PARTY WITH SOMEBODY BENT ON / MOANIN' THE BLUES. / EAT DRINK AND BE MERRY LET US / DO JUST WHAT THE / GOOD LORD SAID. / WE BETTER HAVE SOME FUN TODAY / WE BETTER HAVE SOME FUN TODAY / WE BETTER HAVE SOME FUN! / WE BETTER HAVE SOME FUN! / FOR TOMORROW / FOR TOMORROW / TOMORROW TOMORROW TOMORROW / TOMORROW.
ELI, ARE: MELIBEA / MELIBEA! / HOW WE / LOVE HER / STOP / THINKIN' OF HER ASS! / WHAT STYLE! / WHAT GRACE! / HER ASS! / HER FACE! / WOOO! / WE BETTER HAVE SOME FUN TODAY / WE BETTER HAVE SOME FUN TODAY / WE BETTER HAVE SOME FUN! / WE BETTER HAVE SOME FUN! / FOR TOMORROW / FOR TOMORROW / TOMORROW / TOMORROW / TOMORROW / TOMORROW.
CAL: ME-LI-BE-A / HOW I / LOVE HER! / TILL THE DAY I / DIE. / I'LL FLY / TO HER SIDE, / TO HER ARMS, / AND THEN / BASK IN / LOVE! / MELIBEA’S / LOVE / I LOVE HER! / I LOVE HER! / EAT DRINK AND BE MERRY / EAT DRINK AND BE MERRY / TOMORROW / WE MAY DIE!
MEL: NO MORE PAIN! / I'LL FLY / TO HIS SIDE, / TO HIS ARMS, / AND THEN / BASK IN / LOVE! / AHHHH / I LOVE HIM! / I LOVE HIM! / EAT DRINK AND BE MERRY / EAT DRINK AND BE MERRY / TOMORROW / WE MAY DIE!
Images and Songs courtesy of Brad Bond
See webpage Celestina, a tragic musical comedy, Music, Book, and Lyrics by Brad Bond
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